FROM ‘MASCULINITY CAN BE TOXIC’ TO ‘MASCULINITY IS TOXIC’
Should men give up on dating for women’s sake?
Nafees Alam
A man can offer no explanation that is immune from the assumption that he is engaging in toxic mansplaining. That includes this very essay. In the same respect, a man can offer no explanation-of-his-explanation that is immune from the assumption that he is engaging in toxic gaslighting. That includes this explanation. I admit to writing this article from a point of defeated deficit, ready and willing to acknowledge that its contents can and will be seen as toxic mansplaining and gaslighting, despite that not being my intention…
Women are strong and independent. They are empowered with great intelligence that some men find intimidating. Perhaps it’s time men not respond defensively to the accusation of being insecure and intimidated by strong, independent women. Instead of arguing that men are not insecure or intimidated, perhaps it’s time that men proclaim that they are proudly, without shame, gloriously insecure and intimidated by strong, independent women. Inevitably, the question that will follow such an admission will be, “Who hurt you?” No matter the answer, whether it’s “everyone,” or “no one,” or anything in between, the key is that the man’s admission will almost certainly not result in victim-blaming. After all, the answer to the question of “who hurt you” may differ from man to man, but the fact remains that men are hurting, as shown in the data on male depression and suicide.
Perhaps men should neither become defensive, nor go on the offensive, opting instead to simply exit the romantic marketplace altogether. Apparently all men represent the potential threat of toxicity and harm (harassment, abuse, assault, etc.) that is committed by some men. As a result, it may be men’s responsibility to discontinue all romantic interaction with women. Although toxicity can be addressed, both proactively and reactively, the only way to evolve from a reduction into a full eradication of all potential toxicity would be to discontinue all romantic interaction. The potential for toxicity makes it such that choosing to interact could be considered misogynistic because men would thereby be creating an environment that opens the door to the possibility. Although many men will not become toxic, all men have the potential to do so. Thus, the responsibility falls upon men to address toxicity by eliminating all potential for it.
As language has evolved and adopted terms like mansplaining and gaslighting into mainstream, masculinity has evolved from select traditionally masculine behaviors being deemed toxic to masculinity being toxic by default. On the opposite end of harm and hostility, benevolent sexism is becoming an issue. Male feminists are often considered cringy as textbook benevolent sexists. Holding doors open, offering jackets, paying for dates, and generally providing for women are examples of benevolent sexism, behaviors that may be well-intended but still communicate underlying assumptions that men are doing for women what they don’t believe women are competent to do for themselves.
When men approach women in public, it puts women in an awkward position to entertain a conversation that they may not want to have, responding favorably in order not to cause a scene or hurt men’s feelings. When men approach women in private, it triggers the fight or flight response and women are compelled to entertain a conversation out of fear of what could happen if they don’t (harassment, abuse, assault, etc.) Men, perhaps rightfully, are often seen as potential threats, guilty even when innocent.
There has been a rise in women approaching men in public and in private settings, though this scenario does little, if anything, to mitigate the potential for toxicity. In fact, men may be even more toxic toward women who approach them because of a validated sense of entitlement, putting women at even greater risk of harm than when men approach women in public or in private.
Online interactions appeared safe until we realized that men have already been toxic toward women in the short time virtual reality has been in existence. The metaverse already has a groping problem that has escalated to at least one incident of virtual sexual assault. On the topic of sexual assault, there are growing conversations as to whether or not a retroactive withdrawal of consent would turn a past encounter into a sexual assault. That is, there is an ongoing conversation about whether a woman who consented to a sexual encounter might later regret it, thus retroactively classifying the consensual encounter as a sexual assault. There are some men who even fear performing CPR on a woman or intervening when a woman is being sexually assaulted. If we aspire to believe all women, then we must trust the truth in their trauma and take action to prevent any potential for harm.
A post-male romantic community warrants little-to-no romantic interaction by and with men, no matter the forum. While not all women desire a post-male romantic community, enough do that all men should at least consider taking responsibility for pulling themselves out of the romantic marketplace altogether, proactively eradicating all potential for toxicity. Research finds that women who are unmarried and childless are the happiest people of all, suggesting that men should not pursue marriage and/or parenthood with women if they genuinely care for women’s happiness.
There is no shortage of substitutes for romantic interactions today: investing, fitness, gaming, travel, education, just to name a few. Procreation and the continuation of humanity may be of concern to some men, but science has already begun exploring bone-marrow babies, cloning, and other alternative reproductive technologies, making men’s role in procreation soon to be obsolete. Indeed, men’s impending redundancy in the continuation of the species is likely implicated in the rise of the number of vasectomies as well as the mainstreaming of the concept of killing all men and of the notion that all heterosexual sex is rape.
Since the dawn of time, man has been in pursuit of woman. It is clear now that woman has long since tired of man’s pursuit. In a society that is trending toward gender affirmation, the fact that masculinity is excluded from affirmation tells us that men are not exactly welcome at the table. It may be time to dine elsewhere.
Dr. Nafees Alam is a professor of social work, holding a PhD from Yeshiva University, and licensed in multiple states. His scholarship focuses on viewpoint and political diversity in higher education and the greater society. His previous article for the JFBT was “Neo-White Supremacy and the Assumption of Black/Brown Inferiority.” He was a guest on the FBT Podcast in September of this year. Follow him on Twitter/X.
Please interfere on my behalf if you ever see me in any sort of need! There are still many intelligent women who realize the value of men, just as God made them. We're just typically not the loudest 😊
I don’t know if this article by Nafees Alam is satire or meant to be serious, nonetheless it makes an excellent point. The MeToo Movement and Third and Fourth Wave Feminism have badly damaged gender relations in this country. Can masculinity be toxic? Absolutely. Is masculinity toxic by default? Not at all. This mindset is destroying western civilization and needs to be done away with. To be sure, there are some traditionally masculine behaviors that if taken too far can result in someone getting hurt or killed or at the very least someone being humiliated. But that doesn’t mean masculinity is altogether bad. It just needs to be responsible masculinity.
Radical feminism needs to be eradicated from western society. Terms like mansplaining, toxic masculinity and rape culture need to be removed from our collective vocabulary and stigmatized. The women’s rights movement in the West needs to be reformed. It needs to drop identity politics and race essentialism, embrace colorblindness and universalism, stop making excuses for bad behavior by men of color and Muslim men, welcome men and conservative, pro-life and Jewish women into the movement, condemn misogyny and misandry alike, denounce and expel extremists from their movement, support free speech and stop doing language policing, teach women empowerment rather than victimhood, condemn false accusations of rape and sexual assault, and stand up for men who’ve been wrongly accused.
We need to teach not to feel they are better or worse than women, to be gentlemen and to approach and talk to women like normal people. Women should be taught to be cautious around men but not to fear them and to take each man on a case by case basis. Also, we as a society to learn to empower girls and women without putting down boys and men. Both the male feminist and the male chauvinist pig need to go and should be replaced by the respectful, confident and chivalrous gentlemen. Men and women need to learn to respect one another, not to lay there hands on each other and to not feel insecure about strength by the other. Instead of asking “who hurt you?” Women should ask if a man feels insecure about how strong they are “why do you feel intimidated?” and say “We’re equals, I have no right to push you down, and you have no right to push me down. You want to be strong and independent and I want to be strong and independent.”
“Mansplaining” needs to be replaced by “being condescending.” If a man talks down to a woman or starts explaining to her something she already knows she should should not respond “stop mansplaining that to me!” She should say “excuse me sir, treat me with the respect you’d want yourself.” or “I already know how to do that.” or “You don’t have to explain it, I get what you mean.” Also, being patronizing or rude is hardly limited to men. Women do it all the time. Also, men absolutely should intervene to help a woman if she’s in trouble. Also, digital sexual assault is not a thing. No, all heterosexual sex is NOT rape. If it’s consensual, it’s perfectly legal and perfectly safe, morally okay and the couple uses protection.
In western society we need to as the great Richard Reeves said in his classic book Of Boys and Men “forge a positive version of masculinity that is compatible with gender equality. Also, we can help men and boys regain ground in the classroom, in the workplace and in the home while also helping women and girls increase their representation in fields they have yet to break into in big numbers like STEM and fight against gender discrimination and sexual harassment in the workplace. We can lift up boys AND girls and when we do that we will have a much better society than we do now where men AND women can be happy, prosperous, equal, and treated with the God-given rights they are entitled to as human beings on this planet.