My wife was a teacher at a private elementary school where it became codified that she could not touch the hair of any of her students (regardless of ethnicity), many of whom would run up to their "Miss Debby" and hug her, wanting nothing more than an affirming pat on head. Thank you, Connie Morgan, for being free of such an inane constriction. Our schools would do well to follow your lead. D. Paul Thomas enteringstageright.substack.com
At a time when it seems people are being taught to be offended it is refreshing to see someone who recognizes they have a gift, e.g. beautiful hair, and being cool with people conspicuously appreciating it. I frequently complimented students whose stylish clothing I appreciated and my sense was they appreciated it. My department chair warned me it would be safer not to pass out such compliments. Sad.
Blue hair USED to be the exclusive domain of old ladies - so I wouldn't make that kind of vow so early in life. ;-) When I was younger, I had thick, reddish brown hair with a weird, springy texture (It's only gotten springier as I get grayer) - and it was black women friends who would ask if they could touch it. It was clearly just curiosity. They'd want to know what product I used to get that much body in my my hair, and after I said "none," they'd ask if they could touch it. It was never creepy or weird. And they did ask first, mostly.
I’ve thought about it quite a bit myself, mainly because, as a white man, nobody tends to want to touch my hair.
Would it upset me if I were black? Why? Why not?
The conclusion I keep reaching is that it would depend on what I believe the intention to be. And that’s where it gets super interesting.
We can only really guess at people’s intentions. We can use our experience and intuition to guide that guess, but we can never be 100% certain what another person intends with an action.
So we can choose to be charitable in our assessment of that intention, or we can choose not to be.
We’ve created so many assumptions around the intentions of others, particularly with race and other “minority” identities. This makes it difficult for people to even know that these are assumptions.
When someone wants to touch a black woman’s hair, it’s to belittle her, to other her, to patronise or mock her.
We KNOW this to be true, don’t we?
But with such strongly reinforced assumptions, it gets harder and harder to assess intentions afresh, for ourselves.
So it’s great that, in this age of certainty and tribalism, some people are still thinking for themselves.
it’s a bit concerning that you have predominantly white people affirming your beliefs in the comments. you are obviously entitled to your opinion, and if you don’t mind people touching your hair, good for you! (genuinely not being sarcastic lol). but to label people who don’t want others to touch their hair as “woke” (you know the implications of this) and to dismiss their concerns as fake outrage, i think that’s wrong. because a lot of the time, people touching our hair IS a microaggression, as it primarily comes from strangers or people that we don’t know very well. i know having my hair touched can be a way to connect with someone, but if i don’t know you well or at all, you should not be touching my hair. and i don’t think i’m unreasonable for thinking that
Thanks for these well-intended remarks. Do note that the essay never says that not wanting your hair touched is inherently "woke." In fact, it explicitly acknowledges and welcomes diversity of views on this matter. What it *does* say is "woke" is the idea or principle that hair-touching (or even asking) is inherently "problematic." *That* is a properly ideological (and "woke") position. Connie is trying to make space, in an environment of suffocating woke conformity, for a diversity of perspectives on this issue.
Exactly. I summarized this piece as a tragic mulatto with woke derangement syndrome. She's also obsessed with identitarianism with wife, christian, conservative etc highlighted in her bio. As if that would give her partisan opinions gravitas, lol.
In the early day of the magazine Psychology Today they had a report of a study of how often and where people touched in a few different cultures. The article was illustrated with color coded bodies for each of the cultures. I found the cultural differences to be amazing and that such differences exist has stuck with me ever since.
Almost a year later, I went back in search of this wonderful article after watching all 4 episodes of Madam C J Walker. I jope the series is accurate, because I loved the story. Such an incredible example! Why isn’t it better known?
In addition to being insightful, this made me laugh out loud. It's been too long since I read a serious piece that had a sense of humor about it. The ability to laugh at oneself and to change one's mind is also a beautiful way to build rapport with your readership.
"...despite my vow to avoid culturally transmitted infections, a silly woke idea eventually got past my brain’s immune defenses": it happens to the best of us!
Incidentally, I was struck by how the photo resembles certain pre-Raphaelite paintings.
If I were to touch your hair, it would be with a wistful sigh, for it would remind me of what I once had, and lost a long time ago! I'm not triggered though - learning to love being bald.
As a mostly introvert and non-hugger I want to thank you for recognizing the double standard being applied. I often feel awkward and subtlety shamed in situations where people now seem to expect to exchange hugs and don't seem to consider that some people may not be comfortable with that level of contact.
Honestly I find hugging at every salutation far more offensive than when someone touches my hair lol. For me, the hug everyone all the time trend started in middle school and it was very hard for me to adapt. It is still not in my nature to hug but I have learned it is part of human interaction so I do it with a smile now! (No one should ever be forced into a hug they don't want though.) Thank you for your considered feedback!
My wife was a teacher at a private elementary school where it became codified that she could not touch the hair of any of her students (regardless of ethnicity), many of whom would run up to their "Miss Debby" and hug her, wanting nothing more than an affirming pat on head. Thank you, Connie Morgan, for being free of such an inane constriction. Our schools would do well to follow your lead. D. Paul Thomas enteringstageright.substack.com
Wow that is intense. Children need to know about appropriate touch as much as inappropriate touch.
You DO have gorgeous hair! And what an insightful article. Thanks. Looking forward to reading your thoughts about education
Thank you!
Connie that part about a pet Maltese dog had me rolling. You are an incredible writer.
EMILY! My goodness I don't deserve your friendship. Thank you for reading.
At a time when it seems people are being taught to be offended it is refreshing to see someone who recognizes they have a gift, e.g. beautiful hair, and being cool with people conspicuously appreciating it. I frequently complimented students whose stylish clothing I appreciated and my sense was they appreciated it. My department chair warned me it would be safer not to pass out such compliments. Sad.
Agreed. Inability to take a compliment is an internal not external problem.
Blue hair USED to be the exclusive domain of old ladies - so I wouldn't make that kind of vow so early in life. ;-) When I was younger, I had thick, reddish brown hair with a weird, springy texture (It's only gotten springier as I get grayer) - and it was black women friends who would ask if they could touch it. It was clearly just curiosity. They'd want to know what product I used to get that much body in my my hair, and after I said "none," they'd ask if they could touch it. It was never creepy or weird. And they did ask first, mostly.
LOL fair enough. If I end up a blue haired old lady I will reflect on this comment.
This is super interesting.
I’ve thought about it quite a bit myself, mainly because, as a white man, nobody tends to want to touch my hair.
Would it upset me if I were black? Why? Why not?
The conclusion I keep reaching is that it would depend on what I believe the intention to be. And that’s where it gets super interesting.
We can only really guess at people’s intentions. We can use our experience and intuition to guide that guess, but we can never be 100% certain what another person intends with an action.
So we can choose to be charitable in our assessment of that intention, or we can choose not to be.
We’ve created so many assumptions around the intentions of others, particularly with race and other “minority” identities. This makes it difficult for people to even know that these are assumptions.
When someone wants to touch a black woman’s hair, it’s to belittle her, to other her, to patronise or mock her.
We KNOW this to be true, don’t we?
But with such strongly reinforced assumptions, it gets harder and harder to assess intentions afresh, for ourselves.
So it’s great that, in this age of certainty and tribalism, some people are still thinking for themselves.
it’s a bit concerning that you have predominantly white people affirming your beliefs in the comments. you are obviously entitled to your opinion, and if you don’t mind people touching your hair, good for you! (genuinely not being sarcastic lol). but to label people who don’t want others to touch their hair as “woke” (you know the implications of this) and to dismiss their concerns as fake outrage, i think that’s wrong. because a lot of the time, people touching our hair IS a microaggression, as it primarily comes from strangers or people that we don’t know very well. i know having my hair touched can be a way to connect with someone, but if i don’t know you well or at all, you should not be touching my hair. and i don’t think i’m unreasonable for thinking that
Thanks for these well-intended remarks. Do note that the essay never says that not wanting your hair touched is inherently "woke." In fact, it explicitly acknowledges and welcomes diversity of views on this matter. What it *does* say is "woke" is the idea or principle that hair-touching (or even asking) is inherently "problematic." *That* is a properly ideological (and "woke") position. Connie is trying to make space, in an environment of suffocating woke conformity, for a diversity of perspectives on this issue.
Exactly. I summarized this piece as a tragic mulatto with woke derangement syndrome. She's also obsessed with identitarianism with wife, christian, conservative etc highlighted in her bio. As if that would give her partisan opinions gravitas, lol.
"tragic mulatto": you've revealed yourself in ways you did not intend with these words.
Thanks!
Looking forward to read more pieces from you!
In the early day of the magazine Psychology Today they had a report of a study of how often and where people touched in a few different cultures. The article was illustrated with color coded bodies for each of the cultures. I found the cultural differences to be amazing and that such differences exist has stuck with me ever since.
I am guessing that article fueled a lot of dad jokes. "Honey why don't we move to XYZ." wink wink nudge nudge
This was a lovely read, thank you!
<3
Almost a year later, I went back in search of this wonderful article after watching all 4 episodes of Madam C J Walker. I jope the series is accurate, because I loved the story. Such an incredible example! Why isn’t it better known?
In addition to being insightful, this made me laugh out loud. It's been too long since I read a serious piece that had a sense of humor about it. The ability to laugh at oneself and to change one's mind is also a beautiful way to build rapport with your readership.
"...despite my vow to avoid culturally transmitted infections, a silly woke idea eventually got past my brain’s immune defenses": it happens to the best of us!
Incidentally, I was struck by how the photo resembles certain pre-Raphaelite paintings.
If I were to touch your hair, it would be with a wistful sigh, for it would remind me of what I once had, and lost a long time ago! I'm not triggered though - learning to love being bald.
Hey as India Arie said "I am not my hair"
Beautiful hair and article! Especially liked 'I like to say I came out of the womb because I wanted to be free.'
Wombs are so stuffy.
As a mostly introvert and non-hugger I want to thank you for recognizing the double standard being applied. I often feel awkward and subtlety shamed in situations where people now seem to expect to exchange hugs and don't seem to consider that some people may not be comfortable with that level of contact.
Honestly I find hugging at every salutation far more offensive than when someone touches my hair lol. For me, the hug everyone all the time trend started in middle school and it was very hard for me to adapt. It is still not in my nature to hug but I have learned it is part of human interaction so I do it with a smile now! (No one should ever be forced into a hug they don't want though.) Thank you for your considered feedback!