On Leaving The Left and Finding My Center

Identifying as a victim obscured my true self

Memoir

ON LEAVING THE LEFT AND FINDING MY CENTER

Identifying as a victim obscured my true self

Khadijah La Musa

My time in the wilderness

I used to be a raging blue haired liberal. I was a self-proclaimed “black feminist” who hated the cis-sexist-white-hetero-patriarchy (huh?). I voted as a Democrat since 2012. I was a devoted victim to all of the -isms. Like gold medals, I showcased all my underprivileged identities to validate my oppression. I had developed a superpower enabling me to find the racism, sexism, or heteronormativity in almost everything. I was truly proud to align myself with others who seemed to be earnestly trying to make the world a better place. My view of the world was naïve and myopic — drenched in the shallow pool of progressivism. I was convicted that anybody who disagreed with what I believed was perpetuating violence.

Literal violence.

During my time as an undergraduate at Brandeis University, a woman named Ayaan Hirsi Ali was set to receive an honorary degree. The Muslim student organization, of which I was a member, led a successful campaign which ultimately led to the award being rescinded from Ali. I rejoiced with the others. We had won a small but significant battle. At the time, I had no idea who Ayaan Hirsi Ali was, but I had concluded that she was hateful scum because everyone else said she was. A couple of years later, I saw Ali’s book, Infidel in a thrift store. I purchased it and read it. Her story brought me to tears. As a young, black, Muslim woman, I related to her on many fronts. Although I still did not agree with her politics after reading her autobiography, I found her to be incredibly brave and inspirational. Ironically, I thought that she ought to receive some sort of recognition for all that she had endured.

When it occurred to me that I can disagree with someone and find them worthy of respect, something in me shifted. I began to question my thoughts and beliefs. I realized I had been participating in groupthink. I had been radicalized by my ultra-liberal university, and thus my thoughts were a curated assortment of liberal pedagogy that viewed the world from a frame of race, gender, sexuality, and class.

I was angry. I was angry at myself for constantly being angry — for being told that the world was against me and that my lot was a perpetual state of victimhood. Trying to hold on to community — to belong—I silenced myself. I ate whatever was being fed to me by my echo chamber — by what my friends and peers believed or said. The consequences for going against the herd were dire.

The very same people who claim they are advocates for the underdogs of society — the very same people who claim to amplify the voices of the unheard are quick to silence and censor their dissenters. This is especially true if a dissenter is a member of a sacred marginalized identity. For leftists, one’s politics must align with one’s identity. For leftists, identity is synonymous with virtue. Their narrow world is divided into a binary of the oppressed versus the privileged.

One day, I publicly committed a thought crime. I posted a status on Facebook stating that womanhood is intrinsically connected to being born with a female body. I was verbally attacked by associates and peers. Some people even made anonymous accounts and threatened to rape me and charged me with being a transphobe who was guilty of taking the lives of trans people. Ironically, trans activists are more upset with women who share the same perspective as me than with the people who actually murder trans people.

I was confused. The shame of being accused of such a grave act of hatred hurt me deeply. Things were not making sense and I witnessed contradictions being regurgitated by people like a program script. At that point, I had had enough.

The prevailing leftist ideology is rife with anti-science, anti-reality, anti-logical dogma. It became clear to me that something deeper and much more sinister was at work. So called “progressive” political ideology has become akin to a religious cult, where “privilege” is the sin. Many people have been scared into silence because refusing to capitulate to the tyranny of the leftist mob can cost you your livelihood.

In his book, The Parasitic Mind, Gad Saad, an evolutionary psychologist, states, “to progressives, feelings trump truth; empirical statements are no longer judged by their veracity but by whether they are potentially ‘bigoted’ — in which case they must be suppressed in the name of inclusiveness.” Basically, in the times we live in, truth is irrelevant. If the truth can hurt someone’s feelings, it must be eradicated by any means necessary.

I could no longer align myself with this ideology. Desperate for inner peace and sanity, I decided to do some inner work.

My spiritual journey

Overwhelmed with depression, confusion, and feeling like I was suffocating in lies, I allowed solace to embrace me like a warm hug. I began to meditate to understand myself and my thoughts. I learned that seeing myself as a victim was a defense mechanism that I utilized to absolve myself of responsibility for my own life. The victim mindset that I developed through social and academic indoctrination affirmed my low self-esteem and kept me in a vicious cycle of blame.

In the process of shifting my worldview, I lost many friends, but I got closer to finding myself. It was very painful, but the shedding has been imperative to my growth. Moving from victim to victor has been extraordinary. Pledging to take full control over my life has instilled me with the confidence I need to realize my dreams. From an empowered stance, I began to see the intricate interconnectedness of all beings.

Unplugging from social media has been a game changer. While putting myself through trade school after college, I started to deactivate my social media accounts to focus on my education. The things people say on social media don’t really hold up offline. I found that the real world is a lot bigger than my algorithmic echo chamber. This is a practice that I continue when I need to ground myself and find peace from within. Being constantly bombarded with other people’s thoughts, opinions and news deeply impacts our subconscious mind and disrupts our natural flow.

I’ve been blessed to meet so many people from all different walks of life who are unbounded by identity politics. Relinquishing judgement and assumptions made my heart lighter. I re-learned to treat people as individuals — no longer calculating what made us different and instead, embracing similarities. When choosing friends, I am much more interested in character traits than I am interested in how an individual “identifies.” Character is a greater indicator of who we are as people.

My faith in the goodness of humanity prevails. I know that there are people who genuinely wish to create a fairer and more equal world, and I commend the pure hearted among us.

We could all stand to prioritize our healing and dive deep into the shadows of our mind. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter where any of us align politically. We all share the same capacity for the darkness of destruction and disorder as we do for the light of harmony and truth. What is important to me is managing the responsibilities of freedom, peace of mind, truth, and inspiring others to raise their life condition.

I encourage others to exit their echo chamber, unplug, and connect with nature and people in an organic way. Sit with yourself in solace and think deeply about your thoughts. Your world is shaped by your perspective. The truth is liberating.

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Khadijah La Musa is a poet, mother, and freelance writer. She writes about culture and spirituality. She is a self published author of a poetry chapbook called Tasting Purple: a compilation of prose and poetry.   After graduating from Brandeis University with a degree in Africana Studies and English, she entered the “real world.” She began to wonder if her deeply held beliefs were her own, or if the teachings at her university had indoctrinated her.

Khadijah is a Reiki Master/energy worker who believes in the truth and wisdom of all spiritual philosophies. 

Bred and buttered in Boston, Massachussetts, she now resides in the beautiful Caribbean island of Antigua and Barbuda, where she is proudly a dual citizen.

Read her work on her Bush Tea Substack (where a version of the present essay first appeared), subscribe to her YouTube channel, and check out her website.